A Lightbulb Moment
Last Updated on April 13, 2016 by lydiaf1963
My friend Robbie Lane has something to say, and I’m giving her some space to say it. I hope you enjoy today’s guest post. If you’re a “woman of a certain age” with something to say about what it means to be an older woman, let’s chat. I’d like to give you some space, too.
Between every single New Year’s Eve, and the first few days of January, I fall back about 35 years into the past, against my will, to when I was a new adult, not even thinking about all those huge mistakes we all would make, unknowingly, in the future. Not exactly mistakes maybe, but blundering along in life, clueless for the most part. Hopeful. Taking many wrong turns, rather than just roads less traveled, like the fun ones in college. In the last few years, I’ve found myself thinking about The Good Wife’s Alicia Florrick, Peter and Will (CBS). Especially Will. Will was the most attractive character, the one with the most depth, I’d seen in years. He smoldered, and was the best combination of a little bad, and pretty good. (Why did they kill him off? I was happy with Will. I felt refreshed and content after an hour with him.).
I suppose we all have an Alicia or a Will, and we didn’t end up with either.
But a lot of us have several Peters, or Mr. Bigs, because we make the same wrong choices over and over, and a lot of us break our hearts. Why can we not see this until many years later, the patterns we repeat? As a young woman, I always picked the same guy: bad boy, reckless, feckless, good looking, weak, terrible students, all; did I say good-looking. What I meant was men oozing sexual tension, the prospect of things to come. I didn’t see this at the time, but hindsight gives us a very clear lens. I didn’t want a good guy. How boring they were.
We set our parents up to take the fall, believing them to be the all loving, almost perfect couples who ever lived. We look at them as examples to live by, but the 50s and 60s don’t exist anymore. So, we never see until years later that the Wills we find are often Peters in wolves’ clothing. Are there any Wills in real life? I’ve always believed there are.
But even my forward thinking, beloved husband, the Renaissance Man personified, and the most honest man I’ve ever known, the closest to the perfect, “deep” Will, was often a ruthless businessman and husband, as well as a very angry man, pretty much his entire life. He had to fight everyone, me included. And he was a gentle soul when first we met. He was gorgeous and such a nice guy. Learned what emotionally detached means though. From the time little boys are born, I think we need to give them a lot of affection, so they know it’s what’s expected and it’s normal. Most of us need affection. A topic for another day, perhaps?
As a lady of a certain age, during the recent passing into 2016, and my husband’s retirement on December 31, it occurred to me I’d spent the last 35 years, from the beginning, putting all my chips in one basket, looking far into the future, depending on my Will to finally bring happiness, because I could finally have MY dreams come true, get to do what I wanted, return to my career, or follow MY dream, when his time as a corporate winner and boss was over. My time. Finally, it’d be my time to have him at home, to have him here to do things I wanted to do, to go on trips I wanted to go on, my time to be with him and follow my wanderlust.
So, coming back to reality after the madness of Christmas, another New Year’s Eve of doing nothing, of “Will” going to bed early and never seeing the ball drop, and then me getting sick AND throwing my back out, my husband decided to go to the beach. He enjoyed kayaking, kiteboard flying, long walks on the beach, riding his bike long distances, and fresh seafood; especially steamed oysters, his favorite. None of those activities interest me in the slightest. I stayed home, to recover. He had a great time.
Wonderful thoughts!
Great words. I honestly wouldn’t mind fast forwarding a bit to see my life when I’ve settled down and have a husband and kids! (hopefully)
That’s an interesting concept. For example, if you saw that things weren’t as good as you’d hoped, would you turn down that first date?
I’m sitting here shakig my head in agreement with what you’ve said. When you get to a certain age you can look back and know that with age comes wisdom.
For some of us…others never really grow up. I’m amazed at some of the age 40+ women I meet who still rely on their fathers to make thing right for them. I’d like to think I’ve learned from my past 🙂
Isn’t it the truth that we just have to learn lessons on our own & at our own pace. I can’t tell you how many times I wish I had learned things faster and sooner. This was a very nice story . Thanks for sharing.
Yes and it’s difficult to bite your tongue when you see a friend or family member making the same mistakes over and over.
Lovely and important post. The message I hope to pass on to my 3 kids, both my boy and girls, is that you make your own happiness, follow your own dream and then find someone to share that happiness with you 🙂
Very true!
It’s funny how we all have to learn things in our own way. Thanks for sharing.
Great thoughts! And seriously, why did they have to kill Will off? Made me so sad!
I guess I’m going to have to catch up on Netflix because I have no idea who these people are…although I do admit to having met their archetypes at some point. 🙂
There is much wisdom in these words. We grow in the failures and uncertainty. It makes us think more and allows us to have more lightbulb moments. 🙂
I think it depends on how you respond to your moment of clarity (lightbulb moment),but it’s definitely an opportunity for growth.
Very interesting thoughts. I hope your Will recognizes what dreams and goals you have for yourself at this stage of your life or, at the very least, is your cheerleader as you follow your dreams.
Ah, now I like that thought, and think it makes a big difference as a relationship moves through different seasons.
I think everyone tends to look back sometimes and think they wished they’d done things differently. The main thing is to move into the present and future, not get stuck in past mistakes you can’t change. Tomorrows a new day!
Exactly! Nicely put 🙂
I think that as long as you continue to grow and evolve you are in good shape, but it is so hard to see people you care about make dumb choices. Everyone has to grow on their own timeline though 🙂
Yes, as long as the dumb choices aren’t hurting anyone else. Sometimes you have to draw a line.
This is a little bewildering to me. I am also of a certain age, yet I’ve learned after almost 45 years of marriage that we can’t rely on someone else for our own happiness. With this reliance we end up with unfulfilled expectations. Unfulfilled expectations can wreck our lives.
I hope that Robbie Lane finds happiness herself and that she and her man can find that great joyful connection that comes from living lives together, which sometime means enjoying our days separately.
I tend to agree with you, but I don’t think it’s realistic to expect to never be disappointed by the actions (or non-actions) of either yourself or your spouse and to try to understand that disappointment in the context of choices made over the years.
We definitely get wiser as we get older and realise that it is true compatability that matters. If only I realised that when I was younger!
Yes, it’s an uncomfortable feeling when you realize that the people you choose to be with aren’t necessarily the healthiest choices…and that sometimes the one who needs to change is you. I’ve come to both conclusions at some point in my life and it wasn’t fun, although I can chuckle about it now 🙂
Lovely post, thanks for sharing.
I agree that with age comes wisdom but it is weird since in one way I had more responsibilities and was more mature as a child than I am now. That is because for the first time in my life there is no pressure for me to be an adult and although I am still mature I feel more childlike and free.
Ana, what a wonderful position to be in. 🙂
The only thing I love about getting old is the wisdom it offers and the self knowledge!
Self knowledge is such a gift, isn’t it?
Loved this post. Sometimes I think back to my life and think what it would’ve been like if I settled down with an ex…but I am always so thankful that I didn’t!
Reminds me of that Garth Brooks song 🙂
Thank you, and I totally agree.
What a lovely post. Lots of wise words in this post and I see people make such dumb and terrible choices often, and it’s hard to watch.
Yes. No matter how much you want to be supportive and compassionate, sometimes you just have to leave those people in the beds they’ve made.
I try not to look too far back, it is a little embarrassing! I love looking ahead to the future, but my days with my kids have started to move so quickly, that I am trying to do less of that and stay in the moment.
I think staying in the moment and keeping your eyes on the road ahead is good advice. Everyone has something in their past that will make them flinch upon remembrance. 🙂
All of you, thanks so much for the positive replies. And yes, Marjie, I know all about not relying on someone for our happiness, learned that in college. But what the heck is the purpose of marriage if it’s not to help us, in part, find our bliss. But honestly, I didn’t know the regrets I’d have later in my life. I am pissed off, no doubt about it because nothing is changing, nor is it going to. Love y’all.
I think.all of us are guilty of getting stuck some times.
Yes. It happens. Trying to figure out what happens next after we get stuck is important 🙂
Although I’m not in the same spot in life as you (I’m in my twenties and just sort of starting out), the thought of relying on others to make things right for me is so baffling. I have always had a go-getter attitude and I’ll do anything to get where I need to be today, tomorrow, and even in a few years (I won’t be relying on a certain age to get to where I want to be, no matter what that means).
That’s a good attitude to have.
Growing and evolving. All part of life, not always my favorite part though. 😉
Yes. Sometimes it’s exciting, other times not so much.
Life doesn’t always go according to plan. It’s what we make of what we have that counts.
I agree. 🙂
Interesting read. We each have to travel our own journey and choose the path that journey will take.
This is a lovely post. I agree with you on all this. There were times that I’ve wished I have learned about things sooner, but life is about experiencing it first before you can learn.
Some of us are knuckleheads and need to experience “it” more than once, hahaha
I think I’m entered a point in my life where I am in the middle of being able to look back and assess unfilled expectations and being able to do something about it right now. I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately…so this post was timely.
It’s definitely the time of year for reflection. 🙂
I’ve never seen this show {I dont have cable and dont really watch tv} but I enjoyed this post a lot! Art often mimics life!
Uncomfortably so at times 🙂 Thanks!